"Did I Mention I Love You" by Estelle Maskame - Excerpt and Giveaway!!!

Did I Mention I Love You?

By Estelle Maskame

December 1, 2015; ISBN 9781492632153

Book Info:

Title: Did I Mention I Love You?

Author: Estelle Maskame

Release Date: December 1, 2015

Publishers: Sourcebooks Fire

Praise for Did I Mention I Love You?

“Readers will root for them, like they would with Edward and Bella—the mutual attraction and need for one another is palpable. It rings of passion, excitement, and first love.” –VOYA Magazine

“An edgy young adult romance with dark layers” –The Examiner

“A believable coming-of-age story and an unconventional romance, set against a present-day California summer... . The fallout of divorce, the insidiousness of substance abuse and family secrets, and especially the pangs of first love drive this emotionally resonant tale.” – Publishers Weekly

“Written in first person, Maskame’s trilogy opener is an excellent portrayal of a teenage girl’s life in the 21st century. Eden has to adjust to her blended family, try to feel pretty, be body conscious, and make friends, all while falling in love for the first time. She is someone all young people can relate to...Romance fans will be captivated by Eden and her journey to finding herself and true love.” –School Library Journal

Summary:

Love is everything but expected.

Eden Munro came to California for a summer of sun, sand, and celebrities- what better way to forget about the drama back home? Until she meets her new family of strangers; a dad she hasn’t seen in three years, a stepmonster, and three stepbrothers.

Eden gets her own room in her dad’s fancy house in Santa Monica. A room right next door to her oldest stepbrother. Tyler Bruce. Whom she cannot stand. He has angry blue eyes and an ego bigger than a Beverly Hills mansion. She’s never felt such intense dislike for someone. But the two are constantly thrown together as his group of friends pulls her into their world of rule-breaking, partying, and pier-hanging

And the more she tries to understand what makes Tyler burn hotter than the California sun, the more Eden finds herself falling for the one person she shouldn’t…

Did I Mention I Love You? is the addictive first book in Wattpad sensation Estelle Maskame’s DIMIY trilogy: three unforgettable summers of secrets, heartbreak, and forbidden romance.

Goodreads Link:

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25883610-did-i-mention-i-love-you

Buy Links:

Amazon- http://ow.ly/SAmvg

Apple- http://ow.ly/SAvv7

Barnes&Noble- http://ow.ly/SAmJH 

BooksAMillion- http://ow.ly/SAmR5  

!ndigo- http://ow.ly/SAnIE

Indiebound- http://ow.ly/SAnRt

About the Author:

Estelle Maskame started writing at the age of thirteen and completed the Did I Mention I Love You?  trilogy when she was sixteen. She has built an extensive fan-base for her writing by serializing her work on Wattpad. Fitting book writing between work, Estelle has amassed followers from all over the world. She lives in Scotland. For more visit estellemaskame.com

Social Media Links:

http://books.sourcebooks.com/dimily/

https://twitter.com/EstelleMaskame

Did I Mention I Love You? Excerpt

I can almost see the road through the gaps in the fence by the side of the house, and I squint through. There’s music playing. More like blaring. I can hear it over the crappy music that’s already bouncing around the back yard, and as a sleek white car speeds up to the edge of the sidewalk and skids against the curb, I grimace in disgust. The music cuts off the second the engine is killed.

“What are you looking at?” Rachael asks, but I’m too busy staring to even attempt to answer.

The car door swings open roughly, and I’m surprised it doesn’t fall straight off its hinges. It’s difficult to see clearly through the fence, but a tall guy gets out and slams the door shut just as aggressively as he opened it. He hesitates for a moment, stares at the house, and then runs a hand through his hair. Whoever he is, he looks su-per depressed. Like he’s just lost all his life savings or his dog just died. And then he heads straight for the gate.

“Who the hell is this jackass?” I mutter to Rachael as the figure nears us.

But before either of us can say anything more, Jackass decides to hit the gate open with a fist, drawing the at-tention of everyone around us. It’s like he wants everyone to hate him. I figure he’s probably that one neighbor that everyone despises, and he’s only here in a fit of rage because he wasn’t invited to the lamest barbecue get-together that’s ever been hosted.

“Sorry I’m late,” Jackass comments sarcastically. And loudly too, with a smirk on his lips. His eyes flash green as emeralds. “Did I miss anything besides the slaughtering of animals?” He throws up the infamous mid-dle finger to, from what I can see, the barbecue. “I hope you guys enjoyed the cow you just ate.” And then he laughs. He laughs as though everyone’s expressions of disgust are the most entertaining thing he’s seen all year.

“More beer?” I hear my dad call out to the silent crowd, and as they chuckle and return to their conversations, Jackass heads through the patio doors. He slams them shut so hard I can almost see the glass tremble.

I’m stunned. I have no idea what just happened or who that was or why he’s just entered the house. When I realize I’m slightly slack-jawed, I close my mouth and turn to Rachael.

She bites her lip and pushes her sunglasses down over her eyes. “I’m guessing you haven’t met your step-brother yet.”

Enter to Win a Copy of DIMILY & an advance copy of DIMINY. This giveaway is active December 1st-December 31^st. Open to US & Canadian residents only:

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Book vs. Movie: "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed

"Wild" is on Netflix!  My husband and I both read the book several months ago, then we watched the movie together.  So which was better, the book or the movie?

This is rather a difficult question for me to answer, first of all because of my disappointment with the book.  I didn't exactly love the book, I was expecting less introspection and more adventure.  I also couldn't believe that anyone, regardless of background or education, would be naive enough to go out into the wilderness as completely unprepared as Cheryl Strayed did.  Why wouldn't you at least try on your pack to find out if it fits, or start your stove to see if it lights, or set up your tent to see if you can do it?  Isn't this the commonest of common sense?  I am not the most outdoorsy of people, but even I would think to do that much.  I found myself wondering if maybe the author embellished the truth just a bit in order to make a better story.  So, in my mind, I rated the book 3 out of 5 stars, which is decent, but not excellent.

Contrast this with the movie.  I thought Reese Witherspoon's acting was fantastic, and I really liked how the filmmakers were able to incorporate the flashbacks to show how Cheryl came to the decision to try hiking the PCT on her own.  However, there was so much left out, mainly Cheryl's introspection that wasn't really able to be captured on film, that I had a hard time connecting with her character.  By the end of the movie, I was ready for it to be over, and if I hadn't have read the book beforehand, I think I would've felt like I'd wasted my time.  

Normally there is a clear winner in my mind when it comes to book vs. movie, but in the case of "Wild", I'm going to say that they are tied.

Pre-Order Event for "This is Where it Ends" by Marieke Nijkamp

Have you all heard of this book?  I think it looks fantastic, and there's a special pre-order event going on for it right now!

THIS IS WHERE IT ENDS by Marieke Nijkamp

January 5, 2016; $17.99; Hardcover

9781492622468; Young Adult Fiction

Agent: Jennifer Udden, Donald Maass Literary Agency

10:00 am:       The principal of Opportunity High School in Alabama finishes her speech, welcoming the entire student body to a new semester and encouraging them to excel and achieve.

10:02 am:       The students get up to leave the auditorium for their next class.

10:03 am:       The auditorium doors won’t open.

10:05 am:       Someone starts shooting.

Told from four perspectives over the span of 54 harrowing minutes, terror reigns as the students at Opportunity High struggle to survive—and to understand why one boy started shooting.

“THIS IS WHERE IT ENDS is simultaneously heart pounding and heart wrenching. Every words hits frighteningly close to home and is tragically too familiar. This book will leave you asking questions that we as a society should have answered a long time ago.”

—Julie Murphy, author of DUMPLIN’

“As long as there are Newtowns and Columbines there will be a desperate need for gripping, well-written, and poignant novels like this one… Hopefully a book like THIS IS WHERE IT ENDS will make the problem more real to a generation that still has the time, energy, and willpower to do something about it."

—Todd Strasser, author of GIVE A BOY A GUN and FALLOUT

“Stunning, diverse, and unforgettable, THIS IS WHERE IT ENDS is a book everyone should read to better understand each other and the world around us.”

— Robin Talley, author of LIES WE TELL OURSELVES

“Entirely gripping and fast-paced.”—Lucy Christopher, author of STOLEN

Marieke Nijkamp is a storyteller, dreamer, globe-trotter, geek. She holds degrees in philosophy, history, and medieval studies, and is an executive member of We Need Diverse Books, the founder of DiversifYA, and a founding contributor to YA Misfits. She lives in the Netherlands. Visit her at mariekenijkamp.com.

@mariekeyn

http://mariekeyn.tumblr.com/

http://thisiswhereitendsbook.tumblr.com/

https://instagram.com/mariekeyn/

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Review: "One of the Guys" by Lisa Aldin

Tomboy to the core, Toni Valentine understands guys. She'll take horror movies, monster hunts and burping contests over manicures. So Toni is horrified when she's sent to the Winston Academy for Girls, where she has to wear a skirt and learn to be a lady while the guys move on without her. Then Toni meets Emma Elizabeth, a girl at school with boy troubles, and she volunteers one of her friends as a pretend date. Word spreads of Toni’s connections with boys, and she discovers that her new wealthy female classmates will pay big money for fake dates. Looking for a way to connect her old best friends with her new life at school, Toni and Emma start up Toni Valentine’s Rent-A-Gent Service. But the business meets a scandal when Toni falls for one of her friends--the same guy who happens to be the most sought-after date. With everything she's built on the line, Toni has to decide if she wants to save the business and her old life, or let go of being one of the guys for a chance at love.

Thanks to Spencer Hill Contemporary via Netgalley for the free review copy of this book in exchange for my honest opinion.

Did I like this book?

Although I did enjoy my time with this one, I think with better writing and/or better editing and a lot more depth, it could have been soooooo much better.  The characters were good, but it felt a lot of the time like the author was just skimming the surface.  I wanted to feel like these characters were real people, I wanted to know more of Toni's history with the boys.  Heck, I even wanted to know what Toni's mom and stepdad did for a living! 

I found Toni easy to relate to - although I would never consider myself a tomboy, there was a time in my life when I was the same age as Toni and was "one of the guys" as well.  It was so much fun to hang out with my high school guy pals - we were always going somewhere new or doing something cool.  Mud bogging in someone's jacked up truck?  Check!  Rock climbing (without any harnesses or ropes because none of us knew what we were doing)?  Check!  Speed walk tag through the centre of town?  Check!  Man, even going to the video store to rent a movie with those guys was an adventure!  But even though we were having the time of our lives, there was no way it could stay the same forever.  I could absolutely understand why Toni wanted to hang onto her guys as tight and as long as possible, because I remember feeling exactly the same!

I really enjoyed watching Toni adjust to her new school and attempt to make new friends.  I also enjoyed watching her struggle with the moral implications of starting her "business ".  I thought the author did a good job of showing Toni's personal growth, as well as in exploring Toni's changing feelings for one of her best friends.  The romance was well done, with more than a bit of angst thrown in, but I have to admit I was disappointed in the ending.  Everything wrapped up way too quickly and tidily for my liking.  

Will you like this book?

It's hard to say.  I guess it depends on how picky you are about those little details.  Toni is certainly an enjoyable character, and so are her boys, but like I said, they all need a bit more...meat, I guess.  The story has potential, but that probably won't be enough to win over the masses.

Will I read more by this author? 

I'd definitely be open to reading more by this author.  With a debut like "One of the Guys", I think the future holds great things for Lisa Aldin!

My rating:

Cora Carmack's "Muse" Series - Cover Reveal!!!

We are absolutely thrilled to bring you the dual cover reveal for Cora Carmack’s Muse Series! INSPIRE and INFLICT are New Adult Paranormal Romance novels and are book 1 and 2 in the Muse Series. INFLICT is due to be released in January 2016! These beautiful covers were designed by Regina Wamba of Mae I Design. Be sure to grab your copy of INSPIRE today!

 

Amazon eBook ** Amazon Paperback

INSPIRE (Book 1):

Kalliope lives with one purpose. To inspire. As an immortal muse, she doesn’t have any other choice. It’s part of how she was made. Musicians, artists, actors—they use her to advance their art, and she uses them to survive. She moves from one artist to the next, never staying long enough to get attached. But all she wants is a different life— a normal one. She’s spent thousands of years living lie after lie, and now she’s ready for something real. Sweet, sexy, and steady, Wilder Bell feels more real than anything else in her long existence. And most importantly… he’s not an artist. He doesn’t want her for her ability. But she can’t turn off the way she influences people, not even to save a man she might love. Because in small doses, she can help make something beautiful, but her ability has just as much capacity to destroy as it does to create. The longer she stays, the more obsessed Wilder will become. It’s happened before, and it never turns out well for the mortal. Her presence may inspire genius. But it breeds madness, too.  

 And check out the gorgeous cover for INFLICT, coming January 2016!

   

About INFLICT (Book 2):

Wilder Bell made a dangerous bargain... For a chance at love, he gave up his life. History knew Kalliope as an ancient Greek muse, but to Wilder, she was simply the woman he wanted to fall asleep with every night and wake up next to every morning. He made a deal with Hades, but the only thing the Lord of the Underworld deals in is death. Now Wilder is wasting away in a cold and wretched afterlife, waiting for Kalli to come for him. She will come. He has to believe that. Because the alternative is worse than death. Kalliope lived her entire existence knowing that she was both a blessing and a curse to anyone she encountered. Wilder was no different. She loved him, and she got him killed. Now to get him back, she’ll have to face a scheming god, a perilous task, and death itself. But before it’s done, the Underworld will take more from her than she ever thought possible. To be made whole, all must first be lost.  

    

   About Cora Carmack: Cora Carmack is a twenty-something writer who likes to write about twenty-something characters. She’s done a multitude of things in her life– boring jobs (like working retail), fun jobs (like working in a theatre), stressful jobs (like teaching), and dream jobs (like writing). Raised in a small Texas town, she now lives in New York City and spends her time writing, traveling, and marathoning various television shows on Netflix. In her books, you can expect to find humor, heart, and a whole lot of awkward. Because let’s face it . . . awkward people need love, too. Her first book, LOSING IT, was a New York Times and USA Today bestseller.      

Website ** Twitter ** Facebook **Newsletter **Author Goodreads**

INSPIRE Goodreads ** INFLICT Goodreads

 

Blog Tour: Excerpt from "Until We Break" by Jamie Howard

Until We Break

By Jamie Howard
St. Martin’s Griffin
Publication Date: November 10, 2015
eBook: 9781250085511
Price: $3.99
Goodreads Page

When Sloane Avery stops to help a stranded driver, she finds more than a broken down car on the side of the road. Twenty-year-old Luke Evans is faster and sexier than her Maserati, but she's not interested in taking him for a test drive. Despite their differences and Sloane's dislike for his Jack and Coke fueled lifestyle, feelings grown between the two. But, when the loss of his little brother sends Luke spiraling, he seeks comfort in Sloane's arms and ends up between her sheets. The morning after, Sloane's ready to confess she loves Luke, until she walks in on him getting serviced-by her sister. That was five years ago, practically a different lifetime and definitely a different Sloane. Before she's been hardened by booze, sex, and as much distance as she could get from the past. Now, called home by a family emergency, she's determined to hold onto her heart the next time she sees Luke. But Sloane's not the only one who's changed. With a successful business and a near-perfect girlfriend, Luke's turned his life around. Only the reappearance of Sloane and the reminder of his biggest mistake can put a dent in his plans. Luke is set on fixing what he's broken, even if it might cost him more than the comfortable life he's built himself, but Sloane is having none of it. She'll do anything to be sure he doesn't get close enough to find out the truth-she's still in love with him.

AUTHOR BIO

Debut author Jamie Howard spends her days as a legal and compliance specialist. She holds a Bachelor's degree in Art from Ramapo College. When she's not tapping away at the keyboard, you can find her devouring books and perfecting her gaming skills. She lives with her husband, son, and three dogs in New Jersey, and is almost always awake early enough to see the sun rise, even on the weekends.

SOCIAL LINKS

Twitter

Goodreads

WHERE TO PURCHASE

Amazon

Barnes & Noble

Google Play

Kobo

Excerpt:

UNTIL WE BREAK by Jamie Howard.  Copyright © 2015 by the author and reprinted by permission of St. Martin’s Griffin.

“You’re late!” Gran calls out, not even bothering to lift her eyes from the register.

I bustle through the dining room into the kitchen, nearly colliding with Blaire in the process. Reflexively, she readjusts the plates balanced on her arm and bumps back through the door.

“You’re late!” she yells back at me.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m late,” I grumble under my breath. I wouldn’t have been if I’d followed my better instincts and blown right past the disabled Wrangler, but just as I decided to keep right on going, my foot eased off the gas and I slammed on the brakes. I’ve always been a sucker. One day it’s going to get me in trouble.

I’m tying my apron on when the door swings back open and Blaire reappears. Her brown hair is pulled back in a loose ponytail and her green eyes are glittering. “Do you know how many tables I’ve had to juggle by myself while you were moseying your ass in today?”

I roll my eyes at her and give the apron strings a final tug. “I wasn’t moseying. Some guy was stranded on the side of the road, so I stopped to help.”

“Please tell me you’re joking.”

When I just stare at her, she gives me a harder stare back. “You don’t just stop to help random people. The guy could have been an ax murderer or a serial killer.”

I scoff and wave a dismissive hand her way as I turn to roll some silverware. “He wasn’t an ax murderer, he was just a guy whose car broke down and who didn’t have his phone.”

She peeks through the window in the door, surveying the tables. “Convenient.”

I stack the rolled sets of silverware in a pile next to me, glad to see the routine of it is coming back to me quickly. It’s been years since I helped out around Gran’s Diner, but it’s almost like I never left.

“Yes, Blaire, it was very convenient for him that his car broke down and he had no phone. He must have known I’d be driving down that stretch of road and staged the whole thing.”

Her footsteps echo as she walks across the room, and I turn just in time to catch the rag that’s flying at my face. “You’ve got crap on your leg.”

I wipe at the smeared grease stain, scrubbing to get it off until my skin is red. “Is that grease?”

I laugh. “Actually, yes. I offered to take a peek under the hood of the car.” The dangerous glint to her eyes dims a fraction. “Seriously? Why?”

“Honestly, I thought it would be kind of funny. Although, come to think of it, he didn’t look all that amused.”

Her eyes narrow as she looks at me, and she takes another peek out front. “The next table is yours, by the way.” Her first sentence nearly collides with the second. “Who was the guy?”

I find another smudge of grease on my hand and get to work on that. “Luke . . . I don’t know. I didn’t get his last name.”

“Luke Evans?” she asks, her hands finding their way down to her bossy hips.

Didn’t I just say that I didn’t get his last name? I throw the rag back at her, which catches her on the shoulder before plopping down onto the tile floor. “He could be Luke Skywalker for all I know.”

She toes the towel and kicks it into the sink. “Really tall?”

I nod.

“Killer blue eyes, long-ish brown hair, fucking gorgeous?” Her voice rises as she speaks, like someone is accidentally leaning on the volume button of the remote.

“Um, I guess? He had sunglasses on, so I couldn’t really see his eyes. He was at that party last night. The one who wiped out at my feet? You know, the guy who was letting that girl fondle him in front of everyone?” Gross. There’s no bigger turnoff than a guy who thinks the world lives and dies in his pants.

She bursts out laughing. “Did you just say ‘fondle’? God, Sloane.” While she continues cackling, I start stacking clean dishes on the shelf.

“Well, let me add a last name to the first one you got. That is Luke Evans, and he is definitely the guy who lets girls fondle him in public. Hell, I’d definitely let him—”

I throw up a hand to cut her off. “Please, don’t.” “Don’t say it or don’t do it?”

I shudder. “Either. With how many holes he’s probably stuck that thing in, I bet it’s about to shrivel up and die.”

She hops onto the counter next to me, swinging her legs back and forth so that her heels drum against the metal cabinets. “Can I at least talk to him, Miss Prude? I hear he’s quite the charmer.”

“You’re joking, right?” I give her an incredulous look as a plate dangles from my hand. Her perfectly plucked eyebrows draw together. “No, are you?”

I slide the last plate into the cabinet and shut it. “He barely managed to string together a multisyllabic sentence, and I had to repeat my name for him. Twice. I’m pretty sure the guy took the short bus to school.”

Blaire’s mouth drops open. “You did not just say that.”

I already want to take it back. I’m not a mean person. Ever. But guys like that—I can’t stand them. Especially not after . . . Nope. Grabbing that intrusive thought around the throat, I shove it back into the box of things I never want to think about again.

She chews on her lip as she studies me, seeing straight through me like she always does. At least I have the same power over her. It must be a sister thing. That or the fact that we grew up in each other’s back pocket with less than a year separating the two of us in age.

Hopping down off the counter, she takes another glance through the window. When she turns back around, her eyes are glittering again. “Gran sat table seven; it’s all yours.”

I bump through the door and fumble in my apron for my pen, not really paying attention. “Good morning, my name is—”

“Sloane.”

My eyes snap up as I finally find the pen and stare straight into the prettiest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. They’re nicer than mine, which is saying something, since I really love my eyes. These eyes are such a pale blue, like Winterfresh gum, and so unexpected when they’re surrounded by that overly sun-kissed skin and dark brown hair.

“You again.” The words slip out from between my lips before I even realize I’ve said them.

He looks slightly taken aback, and his smile slips a notch. He gestures across the table. “This is Archer.”

I hold out my hand to him, but I’m still holding the pen. I shuffle it back into my other hand  and  try again.  “Nice  to  meet  you.”  He shakes my hand, trying to keep the look of amusement from his face but failing.

“What can I get you guys?”

“French toast and coffee for me, please,” Archer says, handing me back his plastic-coated menu.

“I’ll have coffee too, French fries, banana pancakes, and a chocolate milkshake.” Luke offers up his menu and waits for me to comment on his order. That combination of food plus the way his eyes are squinting at me are leading me to believe he’s nursing quite the hangover.

“Coming right up.”

I can feel his eyes on my ass the entire way back to the kitchen. Pig.

THE GREATEST ZOMBIE MOVIE EVER Cover Reveal and Sneak Peek

The Greatest Zombie Movie Ever

Author: Jeff Strand

Release Date: March 1, 2016

Publisher: Sourcebooks Fire

Jeff Strand gives readers a sneak peek at his latest novel The Greatest Zombie Movie Ever, and shares his five favorite zombie movies:

Jeff Strand’s Five Favorite Zombie Movies:

My five favorite zombie movies are very similar to many other people’s five favorite zombie movies. I could’ve gone the condescending click-bait route and written about “The Five Best Zombie Movies You’ve Never Seen!” but, no, I’m going with my five real favorites….

 #5: DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004 version). I was one of the many people bellowing, “You can’t remake DAWN OF THE DEAD! This is blasphemy! Blasphemy!!!” But somehow this remake to a sequel (but not a sequel to the remake) turned out to be awesome. Not quite as good as the original (SPOILER ALERT: That’s #3 on this list) but one of my all-time favorites. 

 #4: RE-ANIMATOR. I’ve now seen plenty of movies that are more over-the-top insane than RE-ANIMATOR, but this was the first movie where I simply couldn’t believe what I was watching. It was hard to believe that a movie so dark and gruesome could be so funny. 

 #3: DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978 version). Shameful confession: When I first saw this in high school I thought it was stupid and boring. Fortunately, I matured and accepted that it’s one of the high points of zombie cinema. It’s the reason I know to duck before walking toward spinning helicopter blades. 

 #2: RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD. Fast zombies long before 28 DAYS LATER! The first time zombies ate brains! It doesn’t often get the credit it deserves, but this is one of the most influential zombie movies ever.

 #1: SHAUN OF THE DEAD. The greatest zombie comedy ever. The greatest zombie movie ever. The greatest MOVIE ever. 

About THE GREATEST ZOMBIE MOVIE EVER:

After producing three horror movies that went mostly ignored on YouTube, Justin and his filmmaking buddies decide it’s time they create something noteworthy, something epic. They’re going to film the Greatest Zombie Movie Ever. They may not have money or a script, but they have passion. And, after a rash text message, they also have the beautiful Alicia Howtz—Justin’s crush—as the lead.

With only one month to complete their movie, a script that can’t possibly get worse, and the hopes and dreams of Alicia on the line, Justin is feeling the pressure. Add to that a cast of uncooperative extras and incompetent production assistants, and Justin must face the sad, sad truth. He may actually be producing The Worst Zombie Movie Ever…

About Jeff Strand:

Jeff Strand has written more than twenty books, and is a four-time nominee (and four-time non-winner) of the Bram Stoker Award. Two of his young adult novels, A Bad Day For Voodoo and I Have A Bad Feeling About This, were Junior Library Guild picks. Publishers Weekly called his work “wickedly funny.” He lives in Tampa, Florida.

Website

@JeffStrand

Excerpt from The Greatest Zombie Movie Ever:

The vampire, whose fangs were too big for his mouth, turned to the camera and hissed.

"Don't look at the camera," said Justin Hollow, the director.

"I keep poking my lip on these things," said Harold, spitting the plastic fangs out onto the ground. He hadn't been a very frightening example of the undead before, and he was even less scary with no fangs and a thick line of drool running down his chin.

"Cut!" shouted Justin, loud enough to be sure that the command was heard by his production crew of two. "C'mon, Harold. Stay in character. We're three hours behind schedule."

"I don't care. I hate this. You promised that I'd get all the girls I wanted. So where are all of the girls I want?"

Justin let out his thirty-ninth exasperated sigh of the night. "The movie has to come out first."

"It's not even a real movie."

Justin bristled. It was a full body bristle, head to toe, which he hadn't even realized was physically possible. Bobby, who handled sound recording, and Gabe, who handled everything else, both stepped back a couple of feet. Neither of them truly believed that they were about to witness a murder, but they wanted to get out of the splash zone, just in case.

Had this been one of Justin's movies, he would have very slowly lowered his camera, stared directly into Harold's eyes with a steel gaze, and then after an extremely dramatic pause asked "What...did...you...just...say?"

His actual response, delivered in a squeakier voice than he would have allowed from his actors, was: "Huh?"

"I said it's not a real movie." Harold started to wipe the fake blood off his mouth. It didn't come off, and probably wouldn't for several days. Justin had planned to feel guilty about this later, but now he wouldn't bother. "Nobody's ever going to see it. You probably won't even finish it."

"I finished my last three movies!" Justin insisted. "I got hundreds of hits on YouTube!"

That statement was technically accurate, though it was the lowest possible number of hits you could get and still use "hundred" in its plural form. The only comment anybody posted about his latest film had been "This twelve year-old filmmaker sort of shows promise," which really frustrated Justin since he was fifteen.

Harold shrugged. "This is a waste of time. I've got better things to do on a Friday night."

"Nobody ever said this was going to be easy," said Justin, who had indeed said that it was going to be easy when luring Harold into the role. "You can quit now, but what are you going to think about your decision ten years from now?"

"I'm going to think, wow, it sure is nice to be such a well-paid dentist."

Harold walked off the set. It wasn't an actual set, but rather a small park near Justin's home, where they were filming without a permit. Justin knew he should shout something after his ex-actor. Something vicious. Something devastating. He thought about shouting "You'll never work in this town again!" but, no, it had to be something that Harold would consider a bad thing.

"Fine!" Justin shouted. "But when we record the audio commentary track for the Blu-Ray, I'm going to talk about how you abandoned us, and how much happier everybody was with the new actor who took your role, and how we all agreed that he should have been cast in the first place, and how he had so many girlfriends that he couldn't even keep track of them, and how they all found out about each other and had a great big awesome catfight in his front yard! And I'll pronounce your name wrong!"

Harold continued walking, apparently not heartbroken.

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